I cheated on my boyfriend Monday. The day before valentines day. I thought it would make me happier, but it did the complete opposite. When I say I want to crawl in a hole in die, I mean I wanna grab my razor, crawl in a ditch, and slice my body from head to toe. But I won’t, because I’m not that girl anymore. He says he forgives me, but it’s always going to be in the back of his mind. And if not his, it’ll be in mine. I made a mess of everything, and I don’t know how to fix.
So, I’ve been really happy lately. Like genuinely happy. I feel pretty, I look in the mirror and I don’t hate myself. That’s one of the best feelings in the world. One I can’t remember feeling a single day in my life. I have an amazing boyfriend, who I love with all my heart, body, and soul, and lately we’ve been really happy together. I have a couple really good friends, and I’m starting to realize a couple is more than enough. I’m healthy, I don’t hurt myself, and I can sleep at night. Life is good.
Is on my mind again. And I can’t believe I’m actually losing sleep over him… Again. I haven’t spoken a word to him in over a month, as he thought it would be alright to try and hook up with my best friend. No, buddy, it’s not. You were my first everything and NO it’s not alright if you hook up with MY BEST FRIEND. I hate that I wasted so much time on you, so much time that could have been spent with Lucas, happy. I hate what you did to my heart. It still hurts, and I don’t think it will ever stop, no matter how happy Lucas and I are together. I wonder if you’ll at least shoot me a text for my birthday tomorrow? I always remember yours, even last year when we weren’t talking. And I would be lying if I said I hoped not to hear from you tomorrow.
Gonna start posting nudes on tumblr even if I have a curvy 1920’s body. I still wanna be like, a playboy model. Always have. They’re tasteful and sexy at the same time. I think being naked is natural and beautiful. Each of our bodies are art and we should embrace it rather than hiding it under cloth. Who’s with me?!
Oh, how I miss the college life. And I don’t only mean getting drunk all the time. I miss classes. I had a dream last night that I surprised my roommate and moved back in. When I woke up, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. All I want to do is go back to fdu, I should have just sucked it up and stayed. What’s a few scars when you have a college degree?